《The Problem Behavior Pocketbook》摘要

Despite this programming, we do have a choice.

It's easy to adopt a 'take me as you find me' attitude but this is not always appropriate.

Whatever our choice, we are responsible for our behavior and accountable for the consequences.

My negative behaviors at work

• Moody before first coffee (solution: drink more coffee )
• Over-critical (solution: take it easy)
• Intimidating to get results (be nice!)

Ask yourself more:

• Has anything (about that) been said or done?
• What's the impact on the team?

Why do people behave badly at work:

• Hidden agendas (Find it out! Keep no secrets!)
• Acting out a role (Is that necessary? If it is, then your company could be in trouble.)
• Feeling bad, which leads acting badly
• Poor knowledge of good, helpful behaviors
• Bad behavior is seen as a powerful means of control
• Self-protection
• Attention-seek

The Bully

Bullies in all their guises are made and not born.

The bully's own weaknesses are projected onto the other person: "You're an idiot" is more likely to mean "I'm an idiot". Take strength from knowing this.

Dealing with bully: (Not doing anything makes you a party to the bullying)

• Detach yourself emotionally. Don't show how you feel. (The bully wants to see you suffer - that reinforces the power he or she has over you.
• Avoid words with: Criticize; Demand; Threaten; Inflame; Defer; Mislead
• Use words which are: Positive and firm; Assertive; Direct; Courageous
• Make direct eye contact
• Use open body language
• Stand tall and firm (against escalation threats)
• Leave or keep your physical distance
• Don't copy or mirror the bully's behaviors
• Collect evidence
• Find someone senior (whom you can trust)
• Make a clear, unemotional statement of fact, and state your course of action (but don't counter-threaten)

The Martyr & Over-Zealous

Martyrs:

• Lack confidence and low self esteem
• Poor communication skills
• Apologize for things they haven't done
• Feel obliged to show gratitude to others
• Want people to feel sorry for them

Their behavior leads other people to have negative feeling towards them and reinforce their own sense of self-worth.

Why be a martyr:

• Need sympathy, attention, praise and dependency; need to be liked and accepted
• To have control over others
• Feeling inadequate

They try to punish others by making people feel guilt. They expressing self-pity and self-loathing rather than blaming others. They are still pretty cute at making you feel bad.

What to do:

• Use open question like "What's the problem?". Don't take 'Nothing' for an answer.
• Don't question what you are doing. Get tough and ignore them.

Reasons of  being an Over-Zealous: (it's not ambition or wanting promotion)

• Insecurity
• High anxiety level

The larger than life behaviors are to compensate for shyness and to make sure others take notice - another form of manipulative behavior.

What you should do:

• Set clear objectives with planned reviews
• Tackle the issue: "What is the problem?"
• Be tough on quality issues

The Narcissistic

Self-centered characteristics. When it is pointed out that they are not as perfect as they had imagined, fragile egos are easily shattered. This often results in narcissistic rage.

• Stubborn, refusal to listen to a viewpoint other than own, almost impossible to reason with.
• Contradictory and contrary
• Self-focused, contemptuous of other's ideas, little ability to empathize or experience compassion
• My way or no way
• Looking for approval, blames others and quick to claim praise.

Behind the superior façade  is a frightened little person who can't really cope with life unless he or she is the center of attention.

What you should do:

• Language should be free of emotion and opinion. State your case and walk away
• Say no as often as you need to. When they are wrong, tell them so.
• Don't pay undue attention.

The Passive-Aggressive

They simply do nothing, effective but highly inefficient.

Why they behave like that:

• The person has been brought up unable to say 'no'
• It hides an anger which can't be openly expressed
• Wish to cause trouble and rebel, but not actively

They have no eye contact or very little, pre-occupied with reading, doodling, fiddling, using circuitous language, grunts, almost no communication. But the big give away: Taunting little smiles.

More practical solutions:

• Get an agreement in writing with deadline and stress the consequence of not performing
• Check that progress is being made
• Carry out punishments

Or give them a dose of their own medicine.

The Persistent Fault-Finder

Distinguishable from the bully insomuch as they tend to attack the quality of the work rather than the person.

Typical actions:

• Sets people up for failure
• Avoids dealing with issues
• Can't give praise but desperately needs it

Dealing with them:

• Ask precise, closed questions
• Don't play the martyr

PS: 针对 Narcissistic & Fault-Finder 的两章明显的带有作者的个人情绪。她似乎完全无法应对这两种问题行为，提出的建议也不怎么高明

PS II: 貌似我有这两种问题行为啊……

Clams & Chatterers

Tight-lipped, no eye contact, refuse to say anything and there is no give-away clues in their body language.

Why?

• Something to hide, to protect someone (or themselves)
• Shame, pain
• Afraid that they will be wrong so it's safer to say nothing

Dealing with them:

• Use open questions, be prepared for a long wait for the reply. Repeat the question (国王的演讲？？！)
• Keep physical distance, position yourself on the same level
• Avoid whispering or throwing sideways glances towards the clam.

At the other end of the spectrum are the people who can't shut up. It's all about nerves. They can't bear silence and have to fill in the gaps in something.

Dealing with them:

• Use closed question: yes or no?
• Stick to the topic. Send memos by email, ask for replies by same route. （这个有点回避问题吧）
• Give praise - this often takes the wind out of their sails （这个从来没有想到过，很有趣的方法）
• Put them in a separate office with a clam （太狠了！！）

Moaners, Complainers & Whingers

PS: 这一章同样的糟糕（好吧，我是 Fault-Finder），几乎没有什么实质性的建议。事实上，这三类人可能并不属于一个大类。

Moaners: Unlike the fault-finder, they never use any surgical approach to pin down the problem, they just moan on and on. Don't try to dismiss them with any casual language. Ask them with direct questions and look at their eyes.

Complainers: Easy, show you are receptive to their problem, empower or encourage them to take responsibility for them own problem.

Whingers: Sometimes making them angry helps break the cycle of negative thinking.

The Power Mad, Control Freak & Dictator

Ensuring the safety of the individuals concerned at the risk of others around them.

Why: Loss of control, inability to cope, betrayal and mistakes in a previous life. They will:

• Need to control at all levels, ever how the tea is made
• Undermining others to build territory
• Totally focused on self
• Work extremely long hours and are in regular contact with powerful people
• Surround with yes-men
• Use ruthless tactics to do their job and then dump
• Are extreme passive-aggressive - this behavior is very controlling.

Bully frighten for no real personal gain, controllers see people as obstacles. But deal with them is just like deal with bullies.

Persecutor, Victim & Rescuer

Persecutors and Victims are interchangeable, victims often persecute others.  In fact, victims are always stronger than persecutors, to get what they want, they will seek out a persecutor and reinforce their position.

Understand that so you won't be the Rescuer: who try to extract victims from persecutors and then end up getting hurt.

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基本上这本书无法解决太多的实际问题，事实上通读全书的时候甚至会感觉到作者是带着情绪在写作。翻译也有小小的问题：有些地方甚至与原文的意思完全相反（突然发现出版社就在马路隔壁，很想冲过去投诉投诉投诉！！）。不过考虑到书的价格：6.5元，我觉得也应该满足了。

还有细节上的问题是，书的最后附了反馈卡，虽然我从来不填这类东西，还是要抱怨下：两页的反馈卡应该印在一张纸的正反面，否则，难道要读者从书上撕下整整两张纸吗？